An Ode to Beer...

Beer is more trouble than it’s worth. Out here, we’re not allowed to drink. The idea being you never know when you need to be alert and alcohol doesn’t exactly help with concentration. Plus, you carry a weapon and ammunition at all times… I, personally, don’t want you drinking. There are certain occasions, however, when the commanding general makes an exception. The first was for the Army’s Birthday. It was shortly after I arrived here. The second is going to be the Super Bowl. Yes, not for the 4^th of July of New Years, but for the Super Bowl. While I don’t necessarily agree with their dates of choice, my guys are excited for beer, so you think I would be too, but, alas, this is not the case.

The beer is handled more securely than ammunition. We have to make sure that the guys out at the surrounding bases have beer or else it’s not fair. So before a mission, I have to sign for the cases of beer, secure them for the trip, sign them over to the commander at the surrounding base, and then secure them somewhere that only he has the key to. All this, so a Soldier doesn’t take a can of beer. And it’s not like there’s an unending stream of beer. Every Soldier is allowed 2 beers, but only if they’re over 21. So your battle buddy who has been serving alongside you, but just happens to be 20, doesn’t get any… makes for interesting group dynamics. Anywho, they have to COUNT THE CANS and return the exact amount of empty cans, so they know you didn’t save any for yourself. You know, for a day in the future when you’ll sneak away and have a beer… to make all of this even more ridiculous, they can only have beer during the Super Bowl… which is aired at 1 in the morning over here. They made it better by including the replay at 8 the next evening, but it’s just silly. Meanwhile, my platoon sergeant and I don’t get to enjoy the beer, but are instead tasked with playing beer cop to make sure someone doesn’t (heaven forbid) get 3 beers instead of 2…

I had an experience with this beer. We had a mission where we were taking the beer to a surrounding base. So the NCO in charge of beer (I’m serious, there’s one guy who has all the beer accounted for and locked up and that’s his primary task until this is over) came over, counted it with me, signed it over to me, and we loaded it up to go. Due to the ridiculous thunderstorms over here, the mission ended up being canceled, so I had to turn the beer back in. I’m simply not allowed to secure it myself. So we go find the guy. Unfortunately, this is early in the morning, so we had to go wake him up. As we pulled up, we saw his truck was running so we pulled up alongside it and I jumped out. Not the NCO I was looking for though, so I asked her if she had his keys. I think I scared her because she timidly replied that she didn’t have his keys, just his truck. So I go wake him up. She had his keys. All of them. He wasn’t positive where she was going so he got dressed and we went on a scavenger hunt to find the keys (meanwhile, back at the ranch, my NCOs are guarding the beer so it doesn’t disappear). We go to one place, drive around it and deduce that she is not there. Alright, time to try another place. On our way there, we pass a truck that he swears is his. Shouldn’t be too hard to identify; he has a white truck but the driver’s door has been replaced with a black door. So we do a U-turn and run this truck down by flashing our high beams. They pull over (probably thinking it’s the MPs) and alas, it’s not his truck… we apologize, they respond angrily, and we continue onward. Finally we do find her and he gets his keys back. We go back to the motor pool to store the beer. The whole process, from start to finish, took over an hour. Ridiculous.

Just one more reason I’m excited to be home in a month and a half.